Having sex whilst being engaged

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hannah-15's picture
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What is everyones views on having sex once engaged? No one has given me a straight answer as to why it is wrong yet and I would really like to know. You know you want to be with that person for the rest of your life and you have already made a commitment so what is wrong with it? Thanks

meleth's picture
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 Sex out side of wed lock is a SIN

gail-17's picture
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I used to have very strong views on this but now i have changed my mind.  There were no bits of paper in bible times - I think if you have made a commitment to someone its as if you are married.  You mustnt then look at anyone else - you are one flesh together

richmanladosu's picture
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I appreciate your sincerity. However, you are not married until you're joined at the alter. That is were the blessing lies. Until then, the bed must be undefiled. Engagement and courtship are not marriage but a prelude to it, part of the preceeding events. Remember, engagement and courtship may be broken, only marriage last for a life time. There may be plausible arguement for and against, but God's standard will not change. The bed must not be defiled. You can not be too sure that inspite of seeming commitment from both parties, someone will not have a rethink and  want to call it quit. If sex has been engaged in, that poses a new set of problems in bible perspective. Don't you think so. Remain blessed.

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AMEN! I agree!!

PatriciaStClair's picture
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God is so very clear about this topic! Just read your Bible!

meleth's picture
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 That is true but remember the Bible vs.Matthew 19/6 - They are becoming one flesh after joining by God by the Institution of Marriage Instituted by God Himself.

Big-Al's picture
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The Bible is clear that sex is sacred and reserved for marriage. 

Engagement is not marriage, no covenant has been entered into, no binding commitment has been made either before God or man or to another person. No marriage has taken place. You've agreed to get married, but you are not bound to do so. It's a preparation for marriage, not marriage itself. It is in no way the same.

In Jewish culture there was a betrothal, similar to our engagement, but more binding, but they weren't to have sex until they were married. E.g., Joseph was betrothed to Mary but hadn't slept with her when she conceived Christ.

Nowadays it's become like the days of the judges - everyone does what is right in their own eyes.

How can we make it more straight?

meleth's picture
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 Thank you for your valueble comments

Let us remember Hebrews 13:4 in this regard

lindy-2's picture
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 Well Hannah,  I understand that when you get engaged you feel like you have made that commitment and that you will be together for the rest of your lives.  However, not all engagements end in marriage.  It is not what you expect when you say yes and get engaged, but it happens. There is so much more to a relationship, and if you are truly wanting to have a God honouring marriage, I believe with all my heart that the best way to do that is His way,  to save physical intimacy, sex, for after the wedding. 

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I agree with lindy-2

 "I believe with all my heart that the best way to do that is His way,  to save physical intimacy, sex, for after the wedding. "

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Hannah, thank you for speaking out among multitude of Christian with the same opinion. The truth is, there usually is a strong physical attraction between engaged people aided by inquisitiveness (and sometimes the desire to 'test' the ground). In my opinion, if we truely love the Lord and plan to obey Him in all things, we should not rationalze the scriptures. 'Marriage is honourable in all things, the bed undefiled'. There is absolutely no commitment to marry before the wedding ceremony. There is a promise to marry but not commitment. Commitment is tripatite: It is between the man, the woman and God, and that in the presence of witness(es). Lets not run away from it, commitment is made at the alter.

May I give this humble advice, if physical attraction is too strong, courtship should be minimum six months and then get to the alter to profess your commitment. If someone has received grace to abstained from sex (atleast since commitment is made to Christ as Lord and saviour), six months of courtship should be endure to please tha same Lord. Anyone who may not be able to abstain during courtship may equally not be able if there are strong attraction outside marriage eventually.  You can also slowed down on physical contacts and temping lonely places. 

I have also discovered by reason of privilege of counselling that sometimes some Christians try to avoid the alter because of certain costs that men associate with wedding. But this need not be. All you need is:the man and the woman pledging there love to one another, the priest representing God and witnesses from both families. No need for any other thing. I wish you courage to take right steps. Shallom.

Anonymous (not verified)
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I agree with you wholeheartedly! Bless you! 

lynette729 (not verified)
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 Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit.  When you have sex outside of the context of marriage, you dishonor yourself and God.  Our bodies belong to God, therefore we are to glorify Him with such (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).  Also, sex before marriage clouds your judgment.  You will overlook and excuse behaviors that would otherwise cause you to step back and think twice about.  The sex is probably good now, but what happens later?  What do you have in common?  What do you fundamentally disagree or agree on?  Is he a good steward of what God has given him?  Does he make wise decisions on his own?  Does he have a job?  Are the two of you healed from past hurts?  How does he treat his mother?  These are some of the things you may want to take a look at.  According to 1 Corinthians 13, love is patient, love is kind.  Love waits.  If your fiance really loves you as Christ loves the Church, he will honor God and he will also honor you. 

laurie-8's picture
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 Hi Hannah.. there are the logical biblical arguments .the rights & wrong's.. then there is emotion.. be careful.  I will be honest here from someone who has been married for more than 30 years.. the most damaging thing ever done in our marriage was believing it would be ok... satan's lie that because we were committed sex before marriage was ok.can be very damaging .. We are still working through some of the issues that come from doing what felt right at the time.. God truly does know what is best in the big picture... hope this helps

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 if we truely love the Lord and plan to obey Him in all things

sina-obajimi's picture
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Sex within engagement is TOTALLY WRONG - IT IS SIN.

Sex is an act that consummates a couple's love for each other, and it is only allowed within the context of marriage. Since engagement is not marriage, then it is SIN to consummate your love for each other by having sex while engaged.

kelly-41's picture
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Thou shall not commit fornication.

sina-obajimi's picture
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Hannah,

Another reason why it is sin to have sex within engagement though "you want to be with that person for the rest of your life and you have already made a commitment" is that the power of sex is much more than the physical act. Sex binds your soul and deposit part of your being with the person you have had it with. This is why the Bible uses the word KNEW in the place of SEX. See Genesis 4:1, Matthew 1:25 KJV. This KNOWING is not of physical but a KNOWING of the soul.

Another point: Sex releases your nakedness, which is also symbolic, to your partner. Symbolic means that you have nothing to keep as secret anymore. Human's nakedness is one of the most cherished nature. So would it not be the best to be sure that you are sharing your nakedness with a guy who has gone more than commitment of engagement to marriage, rather than within engagement that even no law can prove to be binding?

Now for the fact that engagement is not binding, meaning that after engagement, any of the two parties can decided to go his/her way. If sex has been involved during this time, what it means is that you have deposited part of your soul - KNOWING - with someone you were engaged to, and also you would have shared one of your most treasured possessions with someone you were engaged to.

EVEN IF THE 2 ENGAGED COUPLE-2-BE EVENTUALLY MARRIED, YOU WOULD BOTH HAVE SINNED IF YOU HAD SEX BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. GOD's word is clear - "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind" 1 Corinthians 6:9

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Sina-Obajmi
Your opinion is good

moana-4 (not verified)
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Hi Hannah
It's good that you're asking a question like this. It seems to me that you want to know God's heart on this matter and I personally don't think it's wrong to seek to understand why God gives us certain commandments for our lives. Anyway, I am not going to give an opinion about this matter because perhaps God wants to lead you on your own special path to arrive at understanding on this matter. However, I felt to share that when I was dealing with similar questions around sex and marriage, I found Craig Hill's book "The Ancient Paths" to give really good guidance about why following God's ways are important. And, for marriage in particular, Craig's book "two fleas & no dog" goes through in detail the importance of covenant and how it is symbolised in the marriage ceremony including the shedding of blood through the rupturing of the women's hymen. Perhaps these books will help you on your quest for understanding.
God bless!

joyce-67's picture
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I have at one time engaged in sex with my fiancee long before I knew God,and now that I know God do you think that am forgiven or the sin will always be with me till I die? I am scared after reading this article on the pre-marital sex!

meleth's picture
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If you really repent on what you have done on ignorance will be defenitly forgiven by our Gracious God.

Big-Al's picture
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It might be helpful if you read something like the book of Romans. It's quite heavy going, but well worth it. Make sure you don't stop before chapter 8, and definitely not before chapter 3!

There is always forgiveness where there is repentance, even when we sin as Christians. We are to seek to obey Christ in all things, but he knows our weaknesses and his blood covers all.

sina-obajimi's picture
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Joyce,

The bible states clearly - OLD THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY AND ALL THINGS HAVE BECOME NEW. If you have surrendered your life to Christ, then even sin - such as having sex before marriage during the period before you surrendered your life to Christ is forgiven.
So note that you are new in Christ. What God wants from you is not to engage in such anymore now that you have a relationship with Him (assuming that you are saved)

joyce-67's picture
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Thank you Sina...I am saved and have chosen to live for God. Am glad God has pardonned my sins.God bless you.... Amen

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TO HANNAH: All who have said that sex before marriage is a sin, it's true. I did it before I got married and regretted it. I wasn't serving the Lord at that time, either. Now that the Lord forgave me for all that I did before I got saved, I know that I cannot afford to make the same mistakes because I have full knowledge of what is right. If the person you are engaged to cannot wait, maybe he is not the one for you. If he really loves you, HE WILL WAIT. PERIOD.

TO JOYCE 67: Everything you did before you came to Christ, was forgiven by Him, and thrown into the sea of forgetfullness. You have to forgive yourself now.

God bless both of you.

God-sPoeticPrincess's picture
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Amen!

lususan's picture
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God wants to lead you on your own special path to arrive at understanding on this matter.
following God's ways are important. And, for marriage in particular

God-sPoeticPrincess's picture
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Yes, His path...the only path. Be not deceived, people. Be not deceived.

wrc259's picture
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This answer is simple to give , but difficult to abide by.

The Bible clearly teaches that sexual activity outside the sacred confines of holy wedlock is SIN.

Get your Bible and turn to 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 , and read this passage slowly and deliberately and with a willing and submissive heart, mind, and soul before your heavenly Father, God Almighty.

This epistle was written to Christians living in a society much like ours which encourages anyone and everyone to do and live as their fleshly passions would dictate. BUT,...you, brother and sister, must remember that YOU are to have mastery, through the power of the Holy Spirit, over your fleshly urges and desires.

God is able to help you to DO HIS WILL.

God-sPoeticPrincess's picture
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Ok, I am engaged right now and we have renewed our relationships with Christ, which includes abstaining from sexual immorality until the union has been made and blessed by God. Definitely having sex outside of marriage (fornication) is a sin and those who engage in such will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9). Please do not be deceived, for it is the marriage bed which is not defiled (Hebrews 3:14), but adultery and fornication and all manners of sin will be punished under the wrath of God. The word fornication is found in the King James bible. There is no gray area in the word of God. What He has commanded is what we have to abide by or else we are against Him. Our love for God is what should drive us to obey Him. It will pull us closer to Him and the Holy Spirit will live in us and guide in the way of truth. Do not take my word alone. By all means, go to the scripture and read it for yourself because in the end we are each responsible for worrking out our own salvation and will each be judge individually according to God's standards. By the way, my NIV uses sexual immorality, while King James uses the word fornication.

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Sina-Obajimi - Your comments on the issue is very good and i agree with you completely. However, i would like to ask - are there some very practical ways of avoiding sex between two very romantic people who are engaged and preparing to be married soon?

Big-Al's picture
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Godwin, it takes discipline, but not so much discipline in the heat of the moment, but discipline to not allow the heat of the moment to arise. If a couple think a situation would allow their passions to run away, better to avoid it. This is very hard in our culture, but think about that wedding night when finally there are no rules! (Actually, don't think about it too much!)

I would say not getting into situations where you are alone for too long, if at all. In the old days a young couple either had a chaperone or were alone but visible in a public place. These are disciplines young Christians would benefit from. Also minimum physical contact - it is too easy for passions to be inflamed and to get carried away. Passionate kissing and intimate touch are precursors to physical intimacy and better not to frustrate or lead to temptation.

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Hello godwin-8
There are no grey areas when it comes to the teachings of Jesus. Staying faithful to the Word is very hard, but just think about how hard it was for Jesus to die for our sins.....Did you hear Him complain? Have courage and faith it will get you through!

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Thanku PatriciaStClair for your comment "just think about how hard it was for Jesus to die for our sins". I am a virgin in a committed relationship. We have decided to abstain from sex but are finding it very difficult especially since we are attracted to each other. I'll keep this in the fore-front of my mind now as we make plans to safeguard ourselves.

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Yeah, avoid tempting situations. When it comes to God's word there is no gray area and we have to avoid sin at all cost! That's why living together beforehand is such a horrible idea. I can tell you this from experience, my friend. We didn't do things right at first and had so much hell in our relationship. We are just now getting back on track, letting God be the foundation of our relationship and we are finally getting married this Saturday.

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Sex outside wedlock is a big sin, it is written in the Bible. If sex has been involved between the two during this period, it means that they have deposited part of their souls to one another knowing fully that having sex outside of marriage (fornication) is sin. Sex releases your nakedness to each other not minding that any of the two parties can decided to go his/her way. hence both of them have nothing to keep as secret anymore.

Please do not be deceived because, for it is the marriage bed which is not defiled (Hebrews 3:14), but adultery and fornication including all manners of sin will be punished under the wrath of God. However I had sex outside wedlock with my present wife before I got her married and regretted it when I embraced Christ and was forgiven, and never think much about it anymore as I have been forgiven.

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To Hannah: As my fellow christians have rightly contributed above: Sex before marriage is fornication. Whether one is faithfully commiting it with one person, with various or even with your fiancee, it is still sin. Lets look at these various bible verses: 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
1 Corinthians 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
1 Corinthians 10:8 Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand.
Galatians 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
Ephesians 5:3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;
Colossians 3:5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:
1 Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
Jude 1:7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

Apart from the above, what of the social vices and some of the after effects of sex before marriage? Will you be ready also to mother(single) a child before your marriage?
I pray, 'as you read and meditate on the above, God will grant you the grace to abstain from fornication untill after the marriage blessings at the altar' Amen

Brianb6248 (not verified)
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Unless anyone can provide scripture that clearly defines sex while engaged as a sin, please keep your personal convictions...personal.  The Bible tells us that sex with another man's fiance is a sin, sex with another man is a sin, sex with another man's wife is a sin.  Nowhere does it say that sex with your OWN fiance...or even girlfriend, is a sin.  (It DOES tell us that it's a sin to have sex with your girlfriend and then not try to legally marry her.)

That said,

I believe any couple considering sex should consider what their plans are, and listen to the Holy Spirit ( 2:14-15), and decide for themselves whether having sex before they are legally married would honor God.  If not, then RUN FROM IT! 

I could imagine situations where sex before legal marriage would clearly not be a sin:

If the fee to obtain a marriage certificate is too much for the couple to afford. (This happens among the worlds most poor)

You are stuck on an island for years with your fiance, like in the show "Lost" :)

 

 

 

Gods Poetic Princess (not verified)
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Mr Brian, God bless your heart, but having sex outside of marriage is a serious sin., as all fornicators, amoung  all other sinners, shall have their place in the lake of fire (Revelation 21:8 ). And elsewhere, Paul clearly states that these will NOT inherit the Kingdon of God.(1 Corinthians 6:9 (King James) Please go and check it out! Don't be deceived, dear friend. Keep in mind you do need to read the King James version to see the word FORNICATOR, as it means one who has sex outside of the institution of marriage. But also be sure to read the Greek and translate it properly for yourself.

 

God bless!!!

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Dear Brianb6248,

thanks for your comment. The dictionary defines fornication as "voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other." and the bible says in Galatians 5:19-21 that those who engage in such acts will not inherit the kingdom of God. so whether between boy/girl friend or engaged couples. Any one who whose aim is to get to heaven should FLEE from all such appearances. So again, SEX is for the Married ALONE; if any one is in a hurry to begin, pls let him/her get married. And remember, the bible warns us not to teach error to others. Search the scriptures prayerfully and seize to speak on such subjects untill you have fully understood the scriptures.

God Bless you.

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AMEN!

accuracy's picture
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 read your comment and thought you might benefit from taking your own advice. intead of writing a long post to address everything i'll just post some sites for you to check out and read at your leisure and only address that the word you meant in your rebuke was "cease" not "seize" you can look that one up on your own too in order to fully understand.

 

if anything this is interesting stuff. 
http://www.theuncompromisedword.com/marriage.htm 
interesting video.
http://www.heavenministries.com/De%20facto%20marriages.htm 
great explanation of inheritance.
http://www.dtl.org/ethics/e-mails/pre-marital/inheritance.htm 
some stuff on "fornication"
http://whatisfornication.blogspot.com/ 
biblical verses to support "fornication" definition
http://slayingevil.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/what-is-fornication-not-what-we-have-been-taught-to-think/ 
the last one is a little hard on the church, im still working on this one cause its pretty big, but you can check it out for yourself : )
http://www.wickedshepherds.com/TheChristianChurchDistortedandDeformed.html 
simply why this is so important...
http://bible.cc/2_corinthians/11-4.htm 
 
hope you enjoy this stuff as much as I do, God bless!

 

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 well, this one is only difficult because to the deception of the early church and their manipulation of the word "fornication" so we'll start there. currently we have been led to believe fornication means sex by two unmarried people because thats what websters dictionary says but that isnt what the word meant when the bible was written. originally it meant sleeping with hookers or illicit sexual acts. the power of the early catholic church exercised their power to include anyone that wasnt married and even anyone that wasnt married in the catholic church by a catholic priest so they could persecute people. they called it fornication if people of different religions were married and had sex. they were a mess, you can simply look into the distortion of the word for yourself there is tons of info on it and i dont feel like covering everything. just realize there are people in Greece that read the Bible and do not recognize the word fornication to mean any sort of unmarried sex. the deception of this word has compromised the teaching of our leadership.

next what do we understand as "marriage"? western marriage originated in the mid 1500's when king henry the viii wanted to divorce anne bolyn because she had not produced a male heir for him. marriage as we know it was establish to permit simple divorces and move the power from the church to the state. this of course is after the church had stolen the authority of marriage from God. so anyway since the pope was in captivity by the king of france at the time king henry viii wanted a divorce and he was the only person able to grant one he did not allow it under the order of the king of france due to his disdain for king henry. marriage as we know it is a secular contract not the intended spiritual covenant. consider this and ask yourself "where is God?" "by the Power vested in Me, by the State of X, I now Pronounce you...." where is the power from? who pronounces? this institution that is solicited by church leaders was created for convenient divorce!

now the most important source, the Word of God, makes it simple. Deuteronomy 22 reveals upon engagement the man and woman are husband and wife because they have established a committment to each other. again Genesis 2:24 is simple and straight forward, man leaves his parents, cleaves to his wife, the two become one flesh. remember she is his wife upon committment. again Jesus Christ reiterates in Matthew 19:5/Mark 10:8 the same thing. or read Genesis 24, there is no ceremony, Isaac goes into Rebekah and thats it they are married. again in Matt  1:18-19 mary was engaged to joe and he was referred to as her husband and he took her in as his wife eventhough they were not "married." Then in Luke 2:5 we see that they are still not married when they went to do the census... but why? because they had not had sex. sex is the marriage and sex is what paul is referring to all through 1 Corinthians 7. all it takes is a committment and sex as consummation. traditions and ceremonies change and it is silly to put God in a box and tell Him what He recognizes as purity. by doing this we are saying that now that homosexual marriage is recognized God has to condone it... or if two people commit to each other and remain devoted to each other with no ceremony God says they are living in sin until the state recognizes them as common law married... at which point i guess God says whew im glad the state recognizes this marriage now so I can too they were sinnin' fer a long time. the problem with the church is they have reliquished authority to a secular legal contract and usurped God's authority in the covenant He created. ever wonder why so many marriages fail? our leadership is misguided by "traditions of man" that the Word of God condemns our perspective has been distorted and hard pressed by self righteousness

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 Accuracy, thank you for your post. I think its the most thorough breakdown I've read on the subject, and I agree with it simply because your entire perspective was biblically based. The other comments from other people although sincere, does come with a misreading and misunderstanding with scipture in totality.....

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Hi Hannah, since your comment was back in 2010, I hope you never went ahead. However,  I agree with everyone who said that sex outside marriage is sin. Outside marriage sex in the bible is referred to as he lay with her. In marriage it says that he knew her. The Bible creates that distinction for us to know right and wrong. What is worse, the engagement can be broken. My courtship of 3 years ended last Sunday. It was horrible when my fiance called it off. I was devastated in spite of all that we had shared together. Being sexually involved gets you emotionally involved and the separation hurts much more. The next person you may be married to may feel like a stranger. It is better not to fool with these situations. Sex is meant for marriage.